Hapless Helpless Hopeless Dater
Welcome, friends and readers!
Nearly six months ago, I began my quest for online dating. ‘Why?’, you ask? Allow me to fill you in.
I’m that strange mix of introversion and
gregarity gregariousness (why can’t 'gregarity' be a word? doesn’t it sound so much better?), shy yet personable, verbose yet not really able to strike up casual conversations with perfect strangers. Long story short: I’m not comfortable approaching perfect strangers and am hopeless at striking up casual yet flirty conversation with anyone, much less someone I find attractive. Bars and clubs? Death trap! Singles mixers? Cruel and unusual punishment! I will spend over an hour picking out my cutest outfit, primping, make-uping and perfuming for an evening out and wind up hiding behind a giant plant and nursing a vodka tonic (with extra lime, thankyouvermuch). My best bet at meeting new people is to do it online. That is not to say that I haven’t been to bars or singles mixers. Oh, I have. And I promise I will come back to those misadventures another time.
Did I mention that I’m a same-sex dater? OhyesIam. Should that deter you from reading if you’re not also a same-sex dater? Oh hell no! Because whether your, mine or anyone else's quest is finding love, lust, casual dating, relationships, hook-ups, dirty one-night stands or tie-me-up-tie-me-down excellence, the quest is universal. But I’ll admit, same-sex dating adds a whole other dimension to it. Dating is hard enough as a woman but trying to date other women? Ask any straight guy out there and they’ll all agree: women are fucking nuts! Two women together? Madness.
So why the blog, Miss-Adventures? I hope to inspire, forewarn, entertain, surprise and amuse you. Because, let’s face it: dating is … awful. Dating is hilarious, confusing, lonely, ridiculous, sexy, gut-wrenching, exciting, frustrating, but above all … it’s awful. And so… Miss-Adventures: A
Hapless, Helpless Hopeless Dater shall be chronicled here.
Let’s begin shall we? Let me introduce you to my online dating profile:
You: independent, emotionally and financially stable, smart as hell, deeply passionate in all senses of the word, quick-witted, drug and drama free, self-aware but not self-conscious, romantic, spontaneous, capable of laughing at yourself and femme of center. (Sorry my butch goddesses, I'm just not that into you. Unless you want to meet new friends, in which case, 'hello there!')
Sound about right? Great! Please keep reading.
Me: An ISTJ (that should tell you more than you ever wanted to know) ~ I'm honest and direct, smart and smart-ass, professional and nerdy, somewhat introverted but can fake 'outgoing' really well in social situations, a foul-mouthed feminine tomboy with excellent social graces, your typical girl-next-door with a hell of a sassy streak, terrible at planning but a lover of spontaneity, so very grounded and yet learning to not take myself so seriously, confident but sometimes bordering on cockiness, loyal and fiercely protective of my loved ones. I'm a hopeless romantic and also a work in progress.
Labeling myself as bisexual is a bit misleading. At this point in my life, I am only interested in dating women and I choose the term "bisexual" only when backed into a corner but I'm not entirely comfortable labeling myself in any way, shape or form.
I am not what you might expect.
What I’m doing with my life
Engaging in tomfoolery, shenanigans and all types of hijinx. Planning my next adventure. Crossing things off my bucket list one item at a time. Learning to cope with life without cigarettes.
I’m really good at
Kissing for hours and hours. Playing just about any kind of board or card game with friends. Impressing your mother.
The first things people usually notice about me
I'm kinda tall. I'm probably more confident than I have any right to be. I have an unusual name and I get asked if it's my "real name" all the time.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food
I devour books - I've been known to read 3 books on a week-long vacation. Favorite authors: Philippa Gregory, Jean Plaidy, Ken Follett, Jean Auel, Shakespeare, Rilke, Anais Nin...
My favorite TV show is Dexter. I love its darkness and humor. I am NOT a fan of 'reality' television. I LOVE football and am a life-long Niners fan.
I watch a lot of movies but my top five have to be: Gone With The Wind, American Beauty, Fight Club, Fargo and The End of the Affair.
My iPod has probably the most eclectic collection ever. These days, on heavy rotation are: Adele, Florence + The Machine, Andrew Bird, Ryan Adams, The Black Keys, Diana Krall, Miles Davis and Ray LaMontagne. Do not, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, bring country music anywhere into my atmosphere - it's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.
The six things I could never do without
My two cats (so ridiculously cute), my truly awesome family/friends (everyone says that but it's really true in my case), coffee (morning, afternoon, evening...), a great pair of jeans (old, faded and broken in), crazy, passionate lust (I crush hard), my favorite perfume (it smells like vanilla and plum), human touch (because talk is cheep), my over-use of parentheses (...)
Oops, I think I exceeded my 6-item limit.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
In no particular order:
globe-trotting (though this is always at the top of my list), becoming a licensed pilot, my next adrenaline rush, my cats, hand-holding, driving my motorcycle up/down the coast, my next cup of coffee, how to become a more patient person, pretty girls, pretty girls on the back of my bike, why people almost never say what they really want, why conversations are more about subtext than context, and why this bothers me so much.
On a typical Friday night I am
I'd like to say that I'm usually decompressing from a long week, but these days, Fridays have been anything BUT typical.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
It never fails that when I'm trying to look cool, I will walk head first into a pole or a glass door, or trip over a crack in the sidewalk.
Oh... and I'm ichthyophobic and achluophobic. (Go ahead and Google it. Done? Ok, now you can laugh.)
I’m looking for
· Girls who like girls
· Ages 25-45
· Near me
· Who are single
· For long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners
You should message me if
You've made it this far. You fit all or most of the points in my first paragraph. You're also a hopeless (or hopeful) romantic. You Googled ichthyophobia/achluophobia and think my little neuroses are charming.
You should NOT message me if: You're already coupled and are looking for a third to join. Or you're involved in a poly situation. No judgment, just not interested.
I should mention that absolutely NONE of my online dating profile is bullshit. This really is me, like it or not.
I should also mention that no real names will ever see the back-light of this blog. All names and any identifying characteristics of my dates have been changed to protect their identity. Regardless of the hell and humor they’ve put me through, I don’t believe in imposing an asshole tax by outing them.
My goal for this blog is to have at least one entry per week. Getting started, I'll be busy filling you in on backstory, past dates, past flings, hilarious e-mails that developed into nothing more than an amusing story, Craigslist personal ads, attempts at bar mingling, etc. You'll have plenty to sick your teeth into! That is, until I lose interest and committment and then you'll be lucky to get an update once a month. Just ask my poor mother who was promised a weekly "I'm still alive and haven't slit my wrists yet" e-mail. Yeah, that lasted for about a whole month. (Sorry, Mom.)
Thanks for reading. I hope to entertain you as best I can.
Affectionately and lovingly yours,