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Monday, January 23, 2012

"Cougar Bait"

Miss-Adventures: A Hapless Helpless Hopeless Dater

There are few things as flattering as a beautiful young girl pursuing the hell out of you.  I won’t lie: it feels bloody fantastic.  Some things to know about me: I know it’s something of a fault of mine but I simply LOVE to be flattered, have my ego stroked and be reminded how valuable I am.  My closest friends and family will all agree with me here: despite my penchant for self-deprecation on this blog, Miss-Adventures is a shameless cat; stroke my fur and I will purr for you.

That said, out of the blue one day, I received an e-mail from pretty young Cougar Bait.  She was twenty years old.  Now, I’m not going to say that I’m older than dirt, but compared to this girl, I may as well have been.  I’m comfortable in my mid-to-late thirties.  I love where I’m at in my life and career.  And I’m proud to say that I don’t think I look too shabby for thirty-[mumble- mumble- mumble].  I’m fully convinced that I’ve only gotten better with age, even if my knees will argue with me on that point.  (Shut up knees, I know that skiing, hiking and trampoline-ing pisses you off but I need you to get on board, bitches!)

I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about my age (with the exception of when my aching bones scream at me for behaving like a teenager) but when a girl fresh out of nappies sends me a flirty e-mail, I cannot help but pause, scratch my head and ask myself, “Ummm … why?  I’m old enough to have been her mother!

So I returned Cougar Bait’s e-mail and told her how flattered I was but that she must’ve made some sort of mistake because I was clearly outside of her appropriate dating age range and I lived nearly three hundred miles away.  And she e-mailed me back:

“I know I must seem young to you and I live kind of far away, but my family lives in the area, I’m up in your direction at least once a month and I would literally walk three hundred miles to back my ass up into your hips or wrap my legs around them.”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?  But wait, there’s more!

“And if that’s not enough to convince you, I’m smart, funny, ten different kinds of fun and I look spectacular on a leash.”

A WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?  But wait, there’s more!

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve always been attracted to older ladies.  I find them so much sexier than girls my own age and if it helps, I’ve already been broken in by an older lady.”

Did you get all of that, readers?  Let me highlight some of those finer points for you in case you missed anything:

… back my ass up into your hips …

… look spectacular on a leash …

… am attracted to older ladies …

… already broken in by an older lady …

I don’t even know where to begin to address these points!  But let me try.

First things first, I can certainly appreciate the directness and boldness of Cougar Bait’s proposal but enough cannot be said for innocent and artful flirting, which she clearly is incapable of employing (obviously an unfortunate bi-product of her tender young age).

Second, I would be lying through my orthodontially-corrected teeth if I said I wasn’t intrigued by the leash but frankly, I couldn’t get past the image of her in diapers to even begin to possibly imagine how great she must look on a leash.

And third, if her goal is to wrap her legs around my hips, the least likely method to achieve that mark is to call me an “older lady”.  Is that what I want to hear?  Is that supposed to seduce me?  I’m sorry but ‘Mrs. Robinson’ I Am Not.  And the sad fact is that, at her tender young age of twenty years old, she’d probably never understand who or what Mrs. Robinson was since she’s probably still living in her parents’ home and watching cartoons with her after-school snack of milk and cookies.

Game over. 

No more e-mails and definitely no leash.  I’m more of a cat person anyway.  I’m not really all that interested in adopting a puppy.

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