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Sunday, January 8, 2012

Let me clarify...

Miss-Adventures: A Hapless Helpless Hopeless Dater

Now, I feel like I need to explain a thing or two. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea about me, misunderstanding the theme or purpose of my blog or assuming that I'm some sort of victim in any of my dating misadventures. Let me be perfectly clear: Miss-Adventures is and has always been a willing participant, if not a catalyst at times, in her bad dates, uncomfortable e-mails, poor communications, hapless flirtations and, yes, even delusions. This blog is not an attempt to invite you all into my pity party. Nor is it an attempt at getting even with bad dates or fishing for apologies of any sort. I want to assure you all that I have an excellent sense of humor about myself and my past dates, which is exactly why I wanted to chronicle it all for you. Everyone else should get as much humor from my dating foibles as I do.

Not all of my dates have been awful. My dates haven't always been assholes. My dates are just as guilty as I am of entering our shared breathing space with not just emotional baggage but goddamned steamer trunks full of scar tissue from past love, insecurities, shyness, life circumstances and personal inadequacies. I fully acknowledge that. I may not always understand it but I recognize that there are so many things that go unsaid when you're trying to date and that creates a butt-load of misunderstandings, head-scratching, emotional torture, and 'whatthefuck-ing'.

At times, I've been awful, awkward, clumsy, presumptuous, uncouth and painfully unsexy. At times, I've been an asshole. And most of the time, I've been deaf, dumb and blind to the subtle clues that one needs to date successfully. This girl fully recognizes her role and responsibility in all of her interactions with the (un)fairer sex. Remember when I said that "women are fucking nuts"? Guess what?! I'm a woman too and am totally fucking nuts. (God help anyone who wants to date me.)

Miss-Adventures is a hopeless dater. Make no mistake about it. This blog is my journey: good, bad, hysterical, uncomfortable, clumsy, sexy, very very unsexy and is all about me. Yes, my dates play an integral role but this is about me and my fucking journey.

And so friends, I'll leave you with this song. I've loved it for as long as I can remember and it perfectly sums me up. Incidentally, if you happen to find a girl in a short skirt/long jacket, I implore you to please send her my way. But for god's sake, please don't refer her to my blog. She'd never date me then!

"Short Skirt / Long Jacket"
From the album: Comfort Eagle (2001)
By: Cake
I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what's best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes

I want a girl with the right allocations
Who's fast and thorough
And sharp as a tack
She's playing with her jewelry
She's putting up her hair
She's touring the facility
And picking up slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnng jacket......

I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete to cut through red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass

She is fast and thorough
And sharp as a tack
She's touring the facility
And picking up slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnng.... lonnng jacket

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation
I want a girl with good dividends
At Citibank we will meet accidentally
We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen

She wants a car with a cupholder arm rest
She wants a car that will get her there
She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen
She's trading her MG for a white Chrysler La Baron

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnggggggggg jacket

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