I have come to realize that what people share on their profile is very often not at all who they really are. I try to not subscribe to that method of false self-promotion. What would be the purpose in that? If all you’re trying to do is score as many first dates as you possibly can, then sure, you should totally run with, ‘I look like Charlize Theron, have the wit and charm of Tina Fey and fuck like a porn star!’ But you and I know that the minute you sit down for your first date, your dinner companion is already scoping out the emergency exits because you really look like that fat Hobbit from Lord of the Rings, have all the wit and charm of an lumpy old office chair and you can forget about the way you fuck because before you’ve had the chance to utter the phrase, “your place or mine?”, your date has just jumped out of the restaurant's bathroom window and leapt into oncoming traffic waving down anyone who would give them a ride as far away from you as they could possibly get.
So on that note, where do I begin? Oh right, "Sensitive Mess". Heavens! This gal was gorgeous, witty, sensitive and … confusing as all fuck. I obviously had no inkling just how messed up she was by reading her profile but it wouldn't take me long to surmise. At first glance she was endearing and charming. And did I mention she was gorgeous? Good lord. So we began in the usual way. First e-mail went something like this.
S.M.: “Hey you’re really pretty and you seem great.”
My reply: "Thank you very much. You’re not so bad yourself. You seem pretty great too.”
Gripping stuff, no? Can you feel my heat? I mean, honestly, do you see what I mean? I’ve got no fucking game. But we had a few more e-mails back and forth. These are the things I find out through our e-mails: she’s a serious foodie and an aspiring chef (which, in this town, is akin to aspiring actors in Los Angeles), she’s sarcastic and funny, she works two jobs in the food service industry, she’s looking for a new apartment, she’s stressed to the max and she’s going through a divorce too. (Welcome to our thirties, folks!)
Maybe it’s my codependent nature to want to nurture. Maybe it’s my own divorced soul wanting to reach out and bond to another. Or maybe it was that crazy sexy and somewhat kinky streak of hers which she proudly displayed in her profile questionnaire that roped me in. (Yes, I’m fully aware that I used ‘kinky’ and ‘roped’ in the same sentence. Can you blame me?) Let me tell you something, readers: after a long term relationship with all the passion of flannel footsie pajamas, a self-identified switchy girl with a whip can really grab your attention and imagination! (Sorry, Mom. I know this is more than you ever wanted to know about your little girl.)
Focus, Miss-Adventures ... focus.
After weeks (yeah, weeks! can you believe that shit?) of flirty, suggestive and yes, sensitive e-mailing, what happens? She blew me off! She stopped e-mailing cold turkey. I was kind and thoughtful as she poured out all of her regret, sorrow, loneliness and bitterness over her divorce, only to be blown off. I realize now that being inexplicably blown off is an unfortunate and common occurrence but having just re-entered the dating pool and being very naive about online dating, I was utterly confused.
So after a couple of weeks, I decided to check in. I asked how she was doing, had she found a new apartment yet, how the job search was going. She e-mails back (in what seems like a fucking eternity but was really probably a week or two) and tells me that she’s decided that she’s not ready to date, she's overwhelmed and under too much pressure, her divorce was just finalized and she’s going to take a break from the dating website but when she’s in a better space, she’ll definitely contact me.
Folks, let me tell you something I’ve learned:
1. When someone tells you they’re “busy”, they want you to fuck off.
2. When someone tells you they’re “not ready to date”, they want you to fuck off.
3. When someone tells you they’re “taking a break from the dating website”, they want you to fuck off.
Are you getting what I’m saying?
Any one of these things would have clued me in to fuck off. This girl brought them all to the party. As if to say, don’t just fuck off, but ‘you need to fuck off and don’t ever think about contacting me’. So whatthefuck did I miss?
And in case you were wondering: no, she did not ever take a break from the dating website. That girl updates her profile on an almost weekly basis, which, if you ask me, smacks of desperation. And I should know: I update mine almost as frequently.