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Wednesday, February 1, 2012

"Observations on Lesbian Dating"

Miss-Adventures: A Hapless Helpless Hopeless Dater

Observation No. 1:  Female-Female relations tend to fall under one category or another (and rarely do I understand the logic): “U-Haulers” and the “Monogomously Phobic”.  (Why is there never anything in between?)

Observation No. 2:  Timing is goddamned everything.

Observation No. 3:  More often than not, the ability to artfully employ intuition, to read subtle clues and understand subtext and conversational tone is more important to successfully date women than honest and direct communication.  (This is a skill that Miss-Adventures has not yet learned and may never learn to master.)

Observation No. 4:  If you are intuitively retarded challenged (as is the case with yours truly), you will often find yourself beating your head against the floor and mumbling to yourself like a crazy person, “women make me fucking mental!

Observation No. 5:  Once you’ve begun to understand the rules, intricacies and passive, subtext-y style of communication, and once you’ve begun to find your rhythm with whomever you are dating at that moment: the rules have changed, the game has changed and you’re back to beating your head against the floor.

Miss-Adventures’ Advice for the Romantically Challenged:  When you find someone who employs honesty, maturity and integrity ... When you find someone who can make your toes curl and your brain tingle ... When you find someone who is wise beyond their years but can make you feel like a teenager, do whatever it takes to slow the moment down, enjoy each day, moment and breath for what it is without worrying about what it should, could or would be.  Because here’s the thing I’ve learned: At any moment, that girl is going to spook like a cat, plant a car bomb inside of your warm, cozy, romantic heart and run away at break neck-speed before the shrapnel has a chance to catch up with her.

Dedicated to 'Helen of Troy' who may or may not be the girl who plants a car bomb inside my heart but I am sure-as-fuck enjoying each day, moment and breath as they come without worrying about shoulda-woulda-coulda.

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