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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

“The Craigslist Experiment” (Part One)

Miss-Adventures: A Hapless Helpless Hopeless Dater
December was a lonely month; I’m not going to lie.  I think the holidays already tend to bring out the melancholia and the loneliness in me but the fact that this was the first holiday season that I would spend post-breakup made it all the more difficult.  I wasn’t really meeting a lot of new people and I wasn’t terribly enthusiastic about a lot of the people who had been contacting me through my favorite dating website.  So what’s a girl to do?  Well, this girl decided to start having a little fun with online dating.  We’ll call this “The Craigslist Experiment”.


My Craigslist ad:

"The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"


The Good:  I'm honest, direct, kind-hearted, adventurous, professional, girl-next-door, sassy, very down-to-earth, confident, loyal and fiercely protective of loved ones.  I like long intimate, existential and tangential conversations combined with hysterical laughter over wine, coffee or long walks.  I’m the world’s greatest fan of cuddling and prolonged snogging.

The BadI have no patience for fuckery.  I will fully call you out if I sense bullshit or game-playing.  I’m kind of a smart-ass, foul-mouthed, terrible at planning, sometimes cocky, learning to not take myself so seriously and a work in progress.  I’m a merciless flirt but only when I’m confident that my flirting won’t be met with the sound of crickets.

The UglyI’m a hopeless romantic with no game.  I’m not always easy to get to know and I tend to follow my head more often than my heart.  I’m incredibly picky, hard to impress and quick to put potential dates/mates into the friend-zone, which often leads to extended periods of singledom.

You:

25-45 years old, city resident or able/willing to drive into the city, femme-of-center, independent, emotionally and financially stable, smarter than your average bear without being pedantic, quick-witted, drug and drama free, self-aware but not self-conscious, spontaneous, capable of laughing at yourself and deeply passionate in every sense of the word.

Let’s be honest:

I’m not looking for a ‘just add water relationship’, nor am I looking for anything too casual.  I’m a one person at a time, take our time to really get to know each other and see where things go kind of girl.  Please don’t bring your U-Haul and, for the love of god, please keep your emotional baggage limited to a carry-on (I don’t want to listen to you talk about your ex for more than 5 minutes).

Game players need not apply.  Poly’s need not apply.  Threesome seekers need not apply.  I am not an equal opportunity dater.  You’d better be single, available, unattached, and every other euphemism for EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE.

Your photo gets mine.  Please be sure that your photo is recent and includes your face.  Fair disclaimer: X-Rated photos can kill a great sense of anticipation and may not be met with enthusiasm or interest.

Surprisingly, I got a few nibbles.  None of those nibbles manifested into face-to-face meetings but, as with most of my online experiences, there’s always at least one good story to share. 

Hi,

I read your ad and screwed up enough courage up to respond.  I didn't even know the word "fuckery" existed but I like it!

About me, I'm single, yes SINGLE.  I have been for quite a long time.  No baggage here.  I work in IT.  Networking mainly, routers and switches.  So that means GEEK.  It's a good gig, pays the bills and gives me the ability to pursue my passion, travel.  I scuba dive so most of the places I travel to are tropical locales.

I like a woman with spirit and wit.  Would love to hear more about you.

Attached a pic taken this Thanksgiving time.

Have a great rest of the day.

Her photo was alright, so I e-mailed her back.

Hi,

I'm also a lover of all things travel.  I can't say that I'm a great fan of diving though.  I'm phobic of fish and sea life... yeah, go ahead and laugh!  That said, you could pretty much point to any place on a map and I would be willing to go.  Currently contemplating my next international destination.  

Glad you liked my word.  I can't really take credit for "fuckery" but it is a personal favorite.  I have an extensive vocabulary of four-lettered words and will often take creative license when I see fit.  It's a quality that I both love and hate about myself... sort of a guilty pleasure., I suppose.

I'm glad you "screwed up enough courage" to email me.  I liked your email and I'm curious to know more about you.  Let's see if I pass the photo test and we'll go from there...?

It didn’t occur to me until after we had e-mailed for a few days that I should probably ask her what her age was.  Judging by her photo, I was assuming 40 or early 40’s (boy was I way OFF!).  Her reply:

About my age.  I just turned [         ] in [              ].  Yeah I'm old, but I'm aging well because I'm a Latina.  That doesn't mean we still can't be friends.  What you said in your ad, I'm not going to bullshit you.  Ask whatever you want.  I have nothing to hide.  It is what it is.

I was put off by two things in that last e-mail.  First, she was terribly defensive about her age before I even had a chance to react to the fact that she was too old for dating material.  And second, when someone says, “I have nothing to hide”, I automatically suspect that there IS something to hide.  Generally, people who legitimately have nothing to hide don’t even think to say something like that.  So, naturally, my bullshit detector was sounding alarm bells and I half-assed attempted the “friend-zone” proposition.  I didn’t mean it and I probably could have just said so, but, despite wanting to ditch this shady character, the good girl in me wanted to be nice.

So, can I be honest?  Our age difference is a bit of a concern for me.  You're right: the difference in age doesn't mean that we can't be friends.  But I really am looking for a romantic connection with someone and with [     ] years between us, I think friends is just about all we should consider here.  It's just too much of a gap for any relationship potential.  But ... I do think you're really interesting and would I would be very glad to continue getting to know you and hang out with you at some point.  We have a lot of common interests and I imagine we'd probably have a great time hanging out, if you'd be open to that.

And she replied:

Hey,

No worries.  I think I responded to your ad more because I like the way you wrote and you had a good sense of humor.  I have commitment phobia (another phobia) so I don't really do relationships anymore, anyway.  I've tried but I hit a point and it's all over; I just can't commit.  I keep good friends and get an occasional piece of ass and I'm good to go.  I do think we have a lot of common interests as well and I'd still like to get to know you as a friend.

The photo I sent you really was taken this Thanksgiving.  So I didn't engage in any "fuckery".  One thing about me is I'm fairly honest. And you can always be honest with me.  I'm pretty thick skinned.

Have a great evening.

You have to admit: how one reacts to rejection is awfully telling of a person’s character.  If I was half-assing the friend-zone proposition before, I was completely and irrevocably disinterested after I read her last e-mail.  First of all: “commitment phobia”?  Then why in the name of the sweet baby jesus would one reply to a girl who specifically wants to date “one person at a time” and “take our time to really get to know each other”?  Likewise, I believe that commitment phobia is in direct conflict with keeping “your emotional baggage limited to a carry-on”.  Secondly, did she just fucking say, “get an occasional piece of ass” to me?  Oh yes she did.  That’s just disgusting!  Last, but certainly not least, again with the honesty thing?  I don’t need to be reminded of how honest someone thinks they are, especially when I don’t believe it for a second.  When all prior e-mails were cordial, polite, sweet and innocently flirty and then the last e-mail says “piece of ass”, I already know that she is capable of misrepresenting herself.

I never e-mailed again.

1 comment:

  1. holy crap. I could write an entire performance about the CL rejection emails! They're fucking hilarious! wow... Good blog!

    ReplyDelete