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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

“Glamazon” – Fate Intervenes

Miss-Adventures: A Hapless Helpless Hopeless Dater 

Correct me if I’m wrong but when you all were single and dating, did you find that your friends would want to set you up with other members of their social circle?  For me, it came up from time to time: so, I have this friend...’; what kind of women are you attracted to?’; ‘would you date so-and-so?’; ‘well, what about dating a guy? do you find this guy attractive?  For whatever reason, I never found myself interested in anyone tossed in my direction.  At least, not at that time.

Sometime around Christmas and just before I met Helen of Troy, my ex wife had casually mentioned a friend of hers.  She told me about this “really sweet girl” who looked as though a breakup was imminent.  She actually went on for several minutes about how wonderful her friend was and then she even showed me a picture of her friend from her phone.

Ex wife: “Isn’t she so cute?”

Me: “Yeah, she’s really cute.  But [ex wife’s name], in a million years, I would NEVER date one of your friends.”

Ex wife: “What?!  Why NOT?  You’d love her.  She’s great!”

Me: “Dude!  There’s no fucking way.  I cannot date one of my ex wife’s friends.  That’s just TOO WEIRD!”

Ex wife: “Ok, fine.  But I think you’d really like her; she’s totally your type.  And she’s really tall, just like you like.”

Me: “I’m sure she’s great but … really? how tall? … No, that’s just too weird.  Thanks anyway.”

What’s that old cliché about “never saying never”?  Fate must’ve heard me and laughed its ass off when I said that I would never date someone in Ex Wife’s social circle because, just when I least expected it, my old nemesis, “Timing”, and my brand new friend, “Fate”, came together and knocked me backward on my ass with the best surprise of my life.

I don’t recall ever being formally introduced to Glamazon.  I had seen her here and there for a couple of months, usually in large social settings or just in passing.  She first appeared at a going away party which my ex wife threw for our dog who had been diagnosed with cancer.  She appeared again at an ugly Christmas sweater party.  I don’t think we had ever even spoken a word to each other but I know we passed curious glances.  Now, I won’t deny that I thought she was really pretty when I saw her here and there (her eyes are the sort that make you do a double-take and ask yourself, ‘where the hell did my heartbeat just go?’) but because she was a friend of my ex wife’s, because I have a tendency to pre-judge all of my ex wife’s friends (some of them can be very clique-ish and gossipy), because Glamazon and I had never been formally introduced, and because I clam up in large social settings, that pretty face barely made a blip on my radar.

When my ex wife tried to convince me to ask out her “very sweet friend”, I was utterly convinced that Glamazon was going to wind up being just another one of her douchey friends.  Not only that, but dating a friend of your ex’s opens your life up to a whole hell of a lot of gossip and talk, and while Miss-Adventures is totally willing to open up her personal life for all the www to see, I also like having the choice to keep some things private and sacred.  So I continued on my merry way of online dating, meeting lots of new people and suffering through the trials and tribulations of dating attachments.

And then Glamazon appeared again … on Hookah Night. 

[Internal Monologue: ‘Ohhhh yeah, that’s the girl that ex wife wanted me to ask out.  She really is tall.  Oh man, her eyes are so pretty.  Ok, back to the task at hand …] 

Me: “Does anyone want a glass of wine?  I have hummus!”

Fast forward one week later and Miss-Adventures is getting dumped by Helen of Troy.

Fast forward five days after that and Miss-Adventures is checking her Facebook feed.  [There’s that girl ex wife wanted me to ask out again!]  Ex wife had posted a very cute picture of Glamazon on Facebook posing next to a U-Haul van parked right outside of our own apartment building (insert inappropriate stereotypical lesbian joke here).  [Internal Monologue: Is ex wife moving in a new roommate?  That girl is super cute.]  So right there on Facebook, for the whole world to see:

Me: “New roomie?”

Ex Wife: “Nah, she’s just picking up some things I was storing for her in the garage.”

Me:Too bad.  She’s kinda cute.”

Glamazon: “’Kinda?’  Rude!”

I love a girl that’s sassy and that was all it took to hook my interest.  So Glamazon and I bantered back and forth just a couple of times on Facebook when not more than five minutes pass and my ex wife is calling me at work!

Ex Wife: “What is going on with you and [Glamazon’s non-superhero name]?”

Me: “Nothing.  I don’t even know this girl.”

Ex Wife: “Well it looks like you’re flirting with her on Facebook.”

Me: “Yeah, well, maybe.  So what’s her story?”

Ex wife and I talked for a few minutes, she told me a bit of what she knew about Glamazon and then I asked her if she really thought it was a good idea for me to ask Glamazon out.  I mean, it was still pretty fucking weird to ask out a friend of my ex’s and despite all of her good intentions, I still wanted her to be ok with it.  And she reassured me that, yes, it was a good idea and yes, she was totally ok with it.

So I mustered up some courage and sent Glamazon a Facebook friend request.  I realize I could have sent her a message asking her out without a friend request but I also wanted to test the waters of her interest in me and stalk research her photos as much as I possibly could.  What?!  Don’t judge me – you know you all do it too!

Thirty seconds later: “Facebook Notification: [Glamazon’s non-superhero name] has accepted your friend request”
[A very good sign.]  So I immediately sent this message:

Me: “So... if I'm not in the dog house permanently, and if you're free tonight, I'd like to invite you to come out to [Club] for [Lady DJ’s] birthday bash. I'll be there with some friends but it'd be nice to see a new friendly face there. [Ex Wife] mentioned that you're moving into a new place today, so if you can't make it, I totally understand.

I won't lie though: I do think you're cute.”

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