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Thursday, April 5, 2012

“Meeting the Family”

Miss-Adventures: A Hapless Helpless Hopeless Dater

There comes a point in every new relationship when you begin to think to yourself, ‘Ok, this one is sticking around for a while.’  You feel happy, secure, loved and optimistic for your future.  And at that point, you have to realize that this is the time to start the familial introductions.  I don’t like to introduce lovers, ladyfriends and hook-ups to my family.  I imagine that I’m not alone in this thinking but introducing someone I’m dating to my family and friends is a big goddamned deal. If someone new is being introduced to my family, they're a definite keeper!  And they've officially been promoted from ladyfriend to girlfriend.

Risk Number One: Family/Friends don’t like or approve of your new ladyfriend.  They either tell you that they don’t approve and you hate them for it, or they don’t tell you and avoid hanging out with you both as often as possible.

Risk Number Two: Your ladyfriend doesn’t like or approve of your family/friends.  She either tells you and you kill her and bury her body in an unknown location have to break up with her or she doesn’t tell you and it makes holidays and family gatherings horrible and uncomfortable.

Risk Number Three: Your family/friends and new ladyfriend get along famously and they conspire to vote you off the island because they’re all so happy together but you make them miserable.

Risk Number Four: Your family and new ladyfriend get along so well that when the relationship ends, the ladyfriend is still treated like family, which makes for awkward family conversations, holidays and family gatherings.

Risk Number Five: Your friends and new ladyfriend get along so well that when the relationship ends, she has run off with your entire support system and you have no one to turn to when you break up except perhaps your mail man and your regular barista at Starbucks.

Risk Number Six: Your family/friends are so bat-shit crazy that they scare off any ladyfriend who may have any potential at all at becoming a long-term mate.

It is for exactly these reasons that I choose to not introduce a girlfriend into the fold until ‘I Love You’s’ have already been said, move-in dates are imminent and marriage talk is on the table.  “I Love You” is a verbal contract, in my opinion.  That shit is binding and you are not allowed to run off screaming for the hills no matter how scary my family and friends may be.

Glamazon, are you listening?

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