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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Amusements of Online Dating



Wow - I nearly forgot how much fun online dating is! (Insert sarcastic font here.)  Less than one month back into online dating and so far, I've come upon five types of online daters: "I didn't bother to read your profile, I just looked at your pictures", "I don't know how to pick up women", "Thoughtful and Enticing", "I'm not really smart, but I'm trying to impress you", and my personal favorite, "Perverts".

I didn't bother to read your profile, I just looked at your pictures
Are you a vegetarian for moral or health reasons? I believe some animals with higher intelligence and sentience are persons; thus, for that matter they have rights.
wow you look amazing in your pictures!
Hey there, you seem like out of the box person. I love it. 
Care to talk and meet at some point? Let me know - hugs

I don't expect much from an introductory e-mail from people.  I really don't.  I'm often crippled by writer's block when I start an intro e-mail.  But please, for the love of god, know who you're e-mailing before you press the send button!  (I am not, nor have I ever made claim to be, a vegetarian.  And what exactly is an "out of the box person"?)  If you expect to get a reply, I want to know that you've actually read my profile, are interested in me and didn't use your standard templated intro e-mail that you send to every girl with a pretty face. 

I don't know how to pick up women
Hello
Hi there,
How are you?
Morning ;)

A little more to work with, please?  Seriously?  Do you think that "Hello" is actually going to get you a date?

Thoughtful and Enticing (readers take note!):
Well I thought I'd give it a shot. You sound amazing complex and funny. Fear of fish and fear of the dark? I'm guessing that deep sea diving is probably not on your bucket list :). Rafting this summer I saw a bunch of river rats like myself on boards like that. They were amazing! I'm more comfortable though in a raft or a kayak. In all fairness I haven't tried the river board yet (is that what it's called?) Anyway I'm rambling. I'm curious what is your name? 
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your profile. It looks like we have quite a lot in common. NOT however the fear of the dark or eating dead fish, I’m pretty ok in both circumstances lol. So curious… what is the unique name? Well that and much more…are you an SF native, what do you do for a living? If you are interested in chatting more I’d love to hear about you and your world. 

I don't think it's any coincidence that these are the only two e-mails I received from women.  I mean, really, I AM rooting for you gentlemen, but you make it so tough when there are thoughtful women out there putting you all to shame. 

I'm not really smart, but I'm trying to impress you
explore a potent(ial) magiConnexion? :) 
---------------------------------------------------- 
hi! 
:)
you sizzle!!! :) but you already know that... :)   besides, your sparkling eyes and easy smile betray the fact that you are... 
...delightful!!! :) ...which happens to be the trait i most cherish in an adult homo sapien! everything else would simply be superfluous, yet appreciated...
i find your passionate, energetic and sassy nature to be very attractive. it is obvious to me that there would be other significant levels of resonance between you and i as well... which i shall disclose in due course of time if/when the oft-grumpy "romantic chemistry" gods seem inclined to showering us both with their elusive blessings, perhaps. :)  so... if you might indulge me, missy, with an opportunity to discover - slowly, gradually, deliciously :) , perhaps - what makes you tick oh-so-gloriously... all amidst an ineluctable abundance of joyful raillery, of course! :) ... won't you let me know?  ciao, miLovely! 
:) 

Hi.  Would you mind closing your thesaurus and writing an email in plain spoken English?  I find "real people" speak far more appealing.

Perverts
How often do you masturbate? 
An image of you a few times a week…
Hi, 

You like honest? Here is honest: I love tall chicks who love to kiss for hours. All I seem to be able to think about is romancing you, hugging you, kissing ....swooon. Wow, you, me, hot tubs, hot springs...hot hot hot. 

Not coincidentally, both of these e-mails came from short, balding men.  *sigh*  Again, gentlemen, does this really work with women?  Why don't you try thoughtful, witty or earnest on for size?  Trust me when I say, it's refreshing.


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