Love is blind. That’s what they say, anyway. I don’t know if it makes you entirely blind, but I know that I’ve been blind to a lot of things. So when my former love began dropping subtle hints about who she is and what she was feeling during our relationship, I don’t know that I was fully listening. Granted, she was highly secretive and carrying on a double life while we were supposedly “in love”, so it wasn’t just that I wasn’t paying attention. And because I was in love, I took her entirely at face value and naïvely trusted that she would be forthcoming and truthful if our relationship wasn’t working any longer. But she wasn’t forthcoming and I can’t help but think in hindsight that I should have better listened to my instincts and her subtle clues. Hindsight’s a motherfucker, isn’t it?
Here’s where the blindness really reached out and bit me in the ass: I was completely willing to forgive her indiscretions and try to work out our relationship because I believed her when she told me that she truly regretted her mistakes, that she really did love me and that she wanted to be with only me. So imagine my surprise that while I’m working on rebuilding trust, trying to meet and speak face-to-face, trying to get past all of the hurt that we brought upon each other and, at the very least, become friends or at least friendly, that she said to me she has no regrets and that she won’t say that she made any mistakes.
Wow. Just… Wow.
All this time, I thought I knew who she was. I believed her when she said she was sorry. I believed her when she said she didn’t know how she would ever begin to forgive herself for hurting someone she “loved”. I believed her when she said that she still loved me (even after reconciliation was taken off the table). But how can I believe that any of that is true if she has no regrets and doesn’t believe she made any mistakes?
I can thank her for taking off the blindfold now. I’m no longer sitting around wondering ‘what if?’ or waiting for her to realize that she made the biggest mistake of her life and try to make it right. I’m moving on. I’m stronger. I’m wiser. And this Mr. Magoo has a new pair of eyes.
On a brighter note, while I haven’t been on any new dates since meeting The Irishman, I have been getting lovely messages from new and interesting people. So my prospects are looking up. I’ll keep you posted.