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Friday, October 19, 2012

And then I made the Straight Dude's head explode.

You guys, you aren't going to believe this one. Seriously, I can hardly believe it happened. In San Francisco. I was almost in tears, I was so upset.
I understand that Straight Dudes have a hard time with the fact that I've only dated women for 13 years, that I still very much identify as queer, and that I have a a transgender best friend. It's a lot for them to wrap their heads around. So, I try to be gentle. Ease them into it, bit by bit, and never on the first date. I have learned to try to say it as casually as possible, allow at most two questions about it, and then quickly change the subject. It's almost a fine art. But, sometimes, things don't go as planned. This was one of those times.
So, I'm on a date with this guy. It's our first time meeting, so it starts off a little awkward. We get coffee (separately. Apparently, he was waiting just outside of the coffee shop, where he could see in but I wouldn't immediately spot him. He waited until I sat down to approach me, saying he wanted to give me time to "get settled." I have a feeling he just wanted to make sure I was cute), and then wander around the book store next door. Within 10 minutes, he asks, as we pause in front of the pscyhology section, "So, what kind of books do you like to read? LGBT books?" and points to a copy of Gay Lives. I smiled and answered the question, pretending it was the joke he misguidedly meant it to be.
We wander out to the bay, and walk along this long pier. We're chatting, and he gets this bright idea that he should take a picture of the bridge. And then of me. And then ask this homeless guy to take a picture of us together. And then text it to his mother. Seriously, this happened. Did I mention this happened right after he was mentioning to me that the last time he was on the pier, he was so upset he was "wishing [he] could keep walking off the end"? It was over losing a temp job, but don't worry, kids, he got his life together.
We then walk back inside, and he starts telling me about finding Jesus (and that isn't a euphamism), and his life with the church. I mention I'm Jewish, and he starts grilling me about whether or not I believe Jesus is the Son of God. As I plan how to get out of this situation, I somehow find myself saying, slowly, "Well, I have to be honest, I'm queer, and most religions just aren't okay with that." "What does that mean?" he replies. "That I'm queer? Well, that I'm not straight." "So, you've dated women, or what?" "Yes, I've dated women."
I allow the requesite two questions. They're benign and earnest. I think I'm in the clear, and can go back to planning how to get out of a plain and simple awkward and boring date, when he says it:
"You know, I kissed a guy once. I was closing my eyes and trying to pretend he was a girl. He tried real hard, but even though she identified as a woman...well, he, I guess...he'll never be one. He's one of those trans..."
"She was transgender?"
"Yeah, I guess so. You know, I get it, that they feel in their mind and their heart and their soul that they're female, but they'll never be female."
I was livid. Seeing red. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to convince myself that flipping the table over on him was a bad move. He was 6'3", so I (probably) couldn't take him. Instead, I looked him dead in the eye, smiled, and said, "You know, actually, my best friend is transgender." He sputtered for a moment, and then asked me what it was that made him male, and then had the nerve to ask if that was an appropriate question. I told him it absolutely was not. He fell silent for a moment, and then the flood gates opened. He told me about his time in outpatient rehab (he was in for alcohol abuse, apparently) that he ended up at an LGBT treatment center, and THEY discriminated against HIM, so now of course he knows our plight. He told me about how the new guy at his church was "obviously" gay and no one wanted to be friends with him, but HE was the one who went out of his way to be friends. He told me about how his job sometimes has transgender individuals come in and he treats them the same as everyone else (except for the fact that they "can't just say that they identify that way,  they have to prove it, you know, with medical documentation"). He told me how he was sooooo progressive that he even had gay roommates. GAY ROOMMATES, people! Of course, the gay roommates would make comments about him when he'd walk to the shower shirtless, and he told him he couldn't live like that, but let's not split hairs here.
Not long after this, he tried to hold my hand. I politely told him it was time for me to go, thanked him, and wandered off to BART.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

What IS it with dudes?

I went to a singles' mixer last night put on by a popular dating site. It was about a mile from my house and free, so I figured I'd put on something sparkly and wander over there. LUCKY I DID, because I got approached by:
  1. The creepy dude in the bad hat who stalked by my seat no less than five times before sliding on over, slinging his jacket over his shoulder (no joke), flashing me a smile (complete with horrendous teeth), and asked me what a pretty girl like me was doing all by myself. The only thing this approach was missing was a finger gun-wink combination. Step up your game!
  2. The switcheroo. Moderately attractive gentleman walks in, surveys the joint, beelines to me (red wine in hand. Seriously, people, unless you're at a wine bar, don't order the wine. You're only going to look pretentious, and as an added bonus, you'll be seriously disappointed in your drink), and strikes up a conversation. Two minutes in, he mentions his friend invited him. Not 30 seconds later, said friend, who is much less attractive and significantly more socially awkward, "happens" to walk by. Moderately attractive dude makes the introduction (and when I stand up to meet his poor friend, I realize he's shorter than me. ME. This is almost statistically impossible), then bails, leaving me to make awkward conversation with his awkward friend.
Finally, I got yelled at from across the bar by the one attractive dude I'd had my eye on that night. "Girl, are you going to sit there all night? Make an effort!" "Honey, this is *all* effort" I replied. Hello, I just did my nails, straightened my hair, shaved my legs, lotioned, perfumed, made up, and accessorized. You took 5 minutes to gel your hair and throw on a clean shirt. Seems like you have a serious effort deficit.
However! Not one to take unsolicited advice lightly, I wandered to the bar upstairs. Hm. Slim pickins. Okay, so I'll go get a drink. The awkward dude at the end of the bar offers to let me in over by him, and of course starts jabbering like a monkey on speed. Seriously, this guy had so much to say about himself (and living with his grandmother. And his lack of a full time job. And his lack of a car. And his tendency to hang out with people decades younger than him) that he hijacked his own questions.
"So, where are you from?"
"Well, I'm from Southern California--"
"Oh my goodness! I went to Venice Beach once!" (He then proceeds to tell me ALL about why he was in Venice Beach, and how he liked it there, but he would never move there).

"So, what do you do for fun?"
"Oh, I like to run--"
"Oh my goodness! I work for 24 Hour Fitness!" (He then proceeds to tell me how he got the job, how long he's been working there, etc. etc.).

After a good 20 minutes of this, I downed my glass and excused myself, more than ready to leave. Just as I grab my purse, I get stopped by the gentleman that had arrived just ahead of me earlier in the evening. "Can I walk you out? I'm about to leave as well." Finally, a normal human being! Of course, as soon as we step outside, he says, no less than three times, "You're cute. You're real cute. No, you're HOT." I'm beginning to think he's drunk. Thankfully, just as he's telling me about all the connections he's made tonight, but we should totally, totally get together, my ride pulls up (because you can't walk home in Oakland in heels!). I hop in, give a wave, and vow to myself that I will never, ever do another singles' mixer again (until they have another one in my neighborhood for free).

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

And Now Presenting Your Co-Host...

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's me! The Nugget! I'm here to regale you with my dating tales while Miss Adventures traverses the scary, scary land that is Real Life.
Let me just get you up to speed in one paragraph or less: I've dated women for the past 13 years. I've recently discovered that, thanks to my naturally picky nature, I've dated ALL of the women. So, well, I guess boys can be cute, right? So, I tried it out. Went on some bad dates (once, a drunk date spit popcorn in my hair as he was whispering in my ear, "I am the 1%." You can't make this stuff up). Almost gave up. Found a boyfriend. He was awesome until he wasn't. Now I'm back in the dating pool, and holy cow, I wish I had some dating water wings, because I'm 4'11" and this pool is DEEP. Let's dive in, shall we?
Not one to waste any time, I went on my first date last night. With a dude. Let me tell you the things I learned from him:
  1. The political platform of every Republican candidate since 1980.
  2. The ins and outs of Obamacare...intimately.
  3. The three ways to effectively break a Kryptonite bike lock.
  4. How to link up cheap home computers with added peripherals to create a makeshift server.
  5. The proper way to create a large, cheap, easy to transport structure at Burning Man.
  6. The demographics of those that attend Burning Man.
  7. The incidence rate of indecent exposure at Burning Man.
  8. The incidence rate of feline renal failure in indoor-only house cats.
Let me tell you the things he learned from me:
  1. I have a cat.
  2. I take casual carpool to work.
I have been called many things in my life, but "quiet" and "boring" are two things that have never been said about my face. Allow me to give you a tip out there, daters of the world: If her eyes are glazed over and/or you realize you've already forgotten what her voice sounds like, shut. up. You're talking WAY too much. 

Long Live the Miss-Adventures Blog!

Friends and Readers,

Please join me in welcoming my new guest author!  While Miss-Adventures enjoys her overdue hiatus from blogging, I am SUPER excited to hand the reins over to my good friend, featured recurring character, personal inspiration and all-around stupendous lady, Nugget.  I fucking adore this woman and I'm confident that you'll all come to love her the way that I do.  She's creative, hilarious and one of the bravest daters I've ever known.  

Nugget: I cannot wait to read what you've got in store for us.  Best of luck and success in your own misadventures!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Taking a Hiatus

Friends and Readers,

I have decided to take a hiatus from the Miss-Adventures blog.  I'm taking time to self-reflect, to take inventory of my life, my heart and my soul and I want to give "real life" living a try without subjecting it to public consumption.

Those of you who know me know what writing means to me.  And I promise you that I will continue to write.  I will continue to pour my heart, secrets and deepest thoughts onto the page.  But during this hiatus, I will choose to do so in a traditional format: journaling.

I'm not sure where "real life" living will take me.  It may take me back to blogging.  It may not.  But for now, in an effort to take proper stock of my life and soul, I am going underground.  Facebook has been deactivated and the blog is on an indefinite hiatus.

I thank you ALL for your kind words, support, readership, friendship, affection, devotion and, above all else, your love.  I feel it.  And I value it more than words can express.

With gratitude,
Miss-Adventures, a Hopeless Dater