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Monday, November 5, 2012

When Geriatric Vampires Attack!

The other day, during a conversation with a friend, the subject of Halloween came up. I mentioned I was going to be a hermit. No, I'm not even talking about some clever costume, I'm talking about hiding out in my apartment, under the covers at 7pm so I don't have to see the rest of the world having fun. He told me I needed to get out of my little Halloween funk and meet some people. He eventually convinced me to agree to go to a Halloween "singles" party in some semi-fancy hotel in some semi-fancy part of town. I agreed, only if my costume could consist of a semi-fancy party dress that was already hanging in my closet and some pretty mask that I could purchase at Target for less than $10. When people asked me what I was for Halloween, I was ready with my reply: "Woefully unprepared."
The Saturday before Halloween arrived, and I was ready in my cutest outfit (black dress, black tights, white sweater, black mask) at 8pm to drive 45 minutes (5 of those minutes through the scariest tunnel ever) to meet other "singles." It seemed a little early, but since it was at a hotel, I'm sure they had time restrictions...right? I arrived to a mostly full parking lot, which was heartening. I pretended not to see the woman in her 50's dressed in a very, very skimpy harem girl costume as I finally found an open spot. After gathering my things and checking my makeup, I was ready to go.
As soon as I got out of the car, a very large gentleman in a very scary mask approached me. "Young lady, today is your lucky day!" he said. Of course, no lucky day ever starts with those words. "I have an extra ticket with your name all over it!" "Oh," I replied, "I have my own ticket with my name all over it." He insisted that the least he could do was open the door for me, which he did, and in we went to wait in line.
Once inside, I could hear the music start. It was disco, people. I felt like I was on a cruise ship. "Maybe they're playing some sort of game, or having a flash back moment. I'm sure it'll be fine," I thought. Within minutes, I was inside, and they were not, in fact, playing a game or having a flash back moment. The room was full of retirees. I fought the urge to flee as Bob Segar's "Old Time Rock and Roll" started playing and there was a rush to the dance floor. I found a seat, leaving my mask on the table because there was really no point in trying to coyly pretend I dressed up, when a geriatric vampire approached me and asked about my mask. I half smiled, and said I was pretty unprepared. He then reached for the collar of my sweater and started tugging it forcefully down my shoulders, saying, "If you get rid of this, you could be the Lady in Black!" I quickly squirmed out of his grasp, giving him the "You were absolutely not invited to touch me" glare, and he wandered off quickly.
Before I even had time to straighten my sweater, a man that reminded me of my grandfather asked me to dance. I agreed, and we danced politely for two songs, during which I spied the only other "single" near my age range, dressed as a construction worker. Once the second song was over, I excused myself and headed for the construction worker. He was polite at first, but didn't find my humor the least bit funny, which was very disconcerting. Who doesn't find me funny?! I then mentioned that I was originally from LA, and his entire demeanor changed. Native San Franciscans by and large HATE LA natives, so I was pretty much done for at that point. I excused myself after a few more lame attempts at conversation, and took up my previous post.
After a bit of people watching, I was approached by a gentleman in his late 50's who asked me to dance. I declined, as the disco was back with a vengeance. "Are you waiting for some more modern music? Like Lady Gaga?" I smiled at his obvious attempt and nodded. "I don't really know who she is. I stopped listening to music 20 years ago!" he offered. Okay, it was definitely time to go. He wished me luck, and I grabbed my mask and headed for the door.
Of course, before I could reach my car, I was stopped by two young men, one dressed as a keg, asking me about the party. I told them I didn't think they'd enjoy it, but they were welcome to try. They then tried to chat me up, using such lines as, "We decided to come here because there would be no DUI check points." Oh. Classy. On that note, I wished them a good evening, and began the best 45 minute drive home of my life.

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