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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Chicken or the Egg?

Is it weird that I'm relieved to have just been broken up with by my lady friend?  I had been feeling for a while that my heart wasn't in it.  I wanted my heart to be in it.  I really, really wanted to feel "the thing": the feeling of being swept off my feet, the feeling of butterflies and elation of a new lover.  But I never did.  I kept asking myself if it was me, if it was her, if it was a "chemistry" thing, and if the feeling would eventually come when my heart finally healed.  So I hung in there in the hopes that it was due my broken heart and that the feeling would change when I no longer felt so broken.
It's a tricky thing dating while you're still nursing a broken heart, pining after your lost love and holding out (not-so) secret hopes that your love will want to return.  I felt duplicitous.  I felt selfish.  I felt that she was getting only a fraction of me.  And I felt that I was being grossly unfair to her.  I was using my lady friend to fill a void that my love left.  It's not her fault for not being able to fill that void - it's mine.
So when my lady friend emailed to tell me that her heart wasn't in it either, my first reaction was relief.  I often wondered if she was feeling the same way.  I often wondered if I could bring myself to end it with her if I needed to.  (I really, really hate hurting people.)  And I often wondered how I would feel if she ended things with me.  Would I feel rejected?  (Lord knows I have suffered enough of that lately.)  Would I feel even more lonely than I already do?  Is it better to have someone in your life in the absence of anyone at all, even if that someone doesn't give you butterflies?  But in the end: relief.  So glad I got my answer.
But where do we go from here?  Clearly, I have nothing to give to anyone at all while I'm still licking my wounds.  But is it a chicken-and-egg situation?  Will a new lover help me to heal my heart, or will a new lover come into my life once the hurt has passed?  So I ask myself if it's true (to quote the words of my lost love): "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new".

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