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Friday, November 30, 2012

The New Normal

Something clicked.  Resignation?  Realization?  Rationalization?  I don't know, but something clicked… it's the "New Normal."  Living alone doesn't feel so fucking awful anymore.  It no longer pains me to sleep in the absolute center of my king-sized bed.  I no longer wake up at the same time in the middle of the night flooded with thoughts and obsessions of 'where it all went wrong' anymore.
In fact, after one too many hopeless nights spent obsessing about "us", I finally decided to just delete her number from my phone (I have a terrible memory for phone numbers, so this was quite a profound moment for me).  And why not?  Neither of us has any use for the other any longer.  I don't need her in my life and she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want me in hers.  Why it took me so long to realize that fact, I just don't know.  I suppose fueled with the fear of losing her, forgetting her or no longer loving her, I was holding on to the memories of what we had.  I kept thinking that those sublime memories would bring us back together one day.  I actually thought that if I turned my back on our memories the way that she has, then there would be nothing left between us anymore.  WTF kind of insane logic is that
Recently, I was having a conversation with someone who went through a similar betrayal (her girlfriend betrayed her for someone less worthy too), I actually found myself reassuring her that her ex was too screwed up for her, and not the other way around.  And I know that that's true because for the last three months, I kept asking myself why my ex would betray and leave me for a bridge-dwelling troll?  (Oh yeah, I said it!)  Ohhh, right… it's because she's too screwed up for me, not the other way around.
To anyone who's been through the emotional turmoil of a cheating lover, please realize one thing: it's not you; it's them.  No one deserves that kind of betrayal and it's significantly revealing of one's character when they can "love" you and lie to you all at the same time.  And if your cheating lover chose a bridge-dwelling troll, I'd say it's even more revealing of their character.  You deserve better.  (And damnit, I deserve better.)
So here we are: the New Normal.  The new routine of my days.  The new rhythm of my life.  Change has always been hard for me.  Unbelievably hard.  Stability is life blood to someone like me; I don't function without it.  Learning to accept a one hundred-eighty degree change in my life?  It's next to impossible, especially when that change stems from such great loss.  But as time goes by, that change has become more normal, to the point of not really remembering how wonderful it felt to be in love with Glamazon anymore.  The heart (thankgod) forgets.  My heart forgets to the point that, while an empty home is lonely, I don't dread going home anymore.  I'm seeing the ghosts of her presence less and less with each passing day.  And, while I still feel the dull ache of her betrayal, my heart doesn't burn for her any longer.  The new normal isn't "sublime" but it's mine, it's simple and completely lacking in trolls.

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