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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Tops, Bottoms and Lesbian Sheep


DISCLAIMER/FULL WARNING:  Mom, please divert your eyes from this blog entry.  It is not suitable for parental viewing.  And if you decide to continue to read on, please know that the entry below is purely conjecture and speculation and not actually based on my own real-life personal experiences.  I am still as pure as the driven snow.  But really, you should just walk away from your computer now.  No, seriously.  Back. Away. From. The. Blog!
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Ok, now that that's out of the way, let me get started.  As a same-sex dater, navigating a relationship with someone new can be a tricky dance.  Who's the driver in this relationship?  Who's the driver in the bedroom?  Trying to address this delicately, I'll narrow some personality types down to basics.  Essentially, you have your Femmes, Butches, Tomboys, Tops, Bottoms, Switchy Tops and Power Bottoms (and the varying degrees of everything in between).  And then there are what I like to call "Lesbian Sheep" (more on them later).  At some point in my dating career, I have encountered every single one of these types of women (and no, I'm not going to name names!). 
Those that identify as true Tops or true Bottoms are an anomaly to me and I've always taken those labels as some sort of challenge.  And I'm proud to say that I have always won that challenge, which I suppose is to say that perhaps I've never actually met a true Top or true Bottom.  Hmmm...  Fucking posers.  (kidding.)  Those that identify as Switchy Tops and Power Bottoms are exactly as the name implies: neither are entirely selfless or selfish in the act itself. 
And then there's my personal favorite: the Lesbian Sheep.  'What the fuck is a Lesbian Sheep?!', you ask?  It's a term based on the homosexual studies of sheep.  Researchers observed several homosexual rams existing in nature but there were no ewes to be found engaging in homosexual acts.  However, after further study, it was concluded that lesbian ewes are hobbled by the fact that the way that a ewe solicits sex is by standing still.  Thus, the term "Lesbian Sheep".  These are women who are incapable of coupling up, since they become motionless when they're interested in another.
I've met a lot of Lesbian Sheep.  It's surprisingly common in the girl-on-girl dating scene and, at times (certainly when I was a young baby dyke), I too have been guilty of playing Sheep.  I mean, as a girl, it's always more desirable to have someone else make the first move.  But as I've gotten older, I've learned that if the attraction is there, we can't both play Sheep.  Someone's gotta make a move; otherwise, we're going to be stuck standing in this fucking pasture staring at each other meekly.
Here's my personal theory: Lesbian Sheep are lambs in public and rams in private.  That is to say, they all want you to make the first date and be the first to go in for a kiss, but once that kiss is made: all bets are off, they take control and love you into submission.  Which is, as far as I'm concerned, seriously fucking hot.
Not long ago I was asked what my "type" is.  Most people answer this question with the diplomatic reply of: "I don't really have a type."  This is bullshit.  I know it's bullshit, you know it's bullshit, and yet, everyone seems to deliver the same bullshit answer to that question.  Not me!  I will gladly answer that question honestly: "femme on the outside, dyke on the inside".  I'm not necessarily more attracted to blondes versus brunettes or blue eyes versus green eyes, but I am very, very partial to a girl who can rock a pencil skirt with a pair of heels and can fix my faucet.  I'm reduced to jelly.  Do you have long hair, wear lacy underthings and play team sports on the weekends?  I'm yours.  A girl who's sweet & sexy on the outside and filthy construction worker on the inside?  I'm liable to propose.  So what am I looking for?  I'm looking for a Lamb-to-Ram, baby!  I'm a sucker for them. 
So what's the problem, MissAdventures?  Why do you have such a hard time dating? 
The problem here is… women are so fucking complicated.  There are too many varying degrees of Femme, Butch, Tomboy, Top, Bottom, Switchy and Sheep.  The problem is finding just the right combination to drop me to my knees.  I've found two of them in my entire life (coincidentally, I dated them back to back) and they rocked my fucking world.  But I guess my "tomboy on the outside, total fucking girl on the inside" just didn't rock theirs.

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