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Monday, January 28, 2013

Imparting Wisdom: Back-Up Girlfriends and Never Shit Where You Drink


Just last night, I was hanging out at my favorite bar with a good friend.  We were chatting, laughing, having a drink and my friend introduces me to someone she knows.  This woman seemed nice enough, albeit she was a bit tipsy and somewhat intrusive of our conversation but she was friendly and we knew some of the same people (there's that Lesbionic Six-Degrees of Separation again).  As my friend is introducing us, she informs me that Drunk Girl is the girlfriend of one of the bartenders there and, I swear to god, not more than 10 minutes later, Drunk Girl is picking out names for our future children and asking me if I would consider going on a date with her.

Drunk Girl: If I were single would you consider going on a date with me?
Me: Yeah, maybe.
Drunk Girl: What would we do on this date?
Me: Oh I don't know, why don't you ask your girlfriend for some ideas and let me know?

Drunk Girl: What would our children's names be?
Me: I don't know, what names do you think your girlfriend would like?

Drunk Girl: I'm allergic to cats, so I guess we can't get married.
Me: I imagine that your girlfriend would agree too.

Drunk Girl: You find me attractive.  I can tell.
Me: You think so?  You've got to bring more to this table for me to find you attractive. 

After this went on for about an hour, my friend and I decided it was time to leave but Drunk Girl started begging me to give her "just a minute" alone.  I resisted and my friend was giving me very strong "don't do anything stupid" looks, but I agreed to have one last cigarette before I left; whatever Drunk Girl wanted to say, I figured she could say it in the time it takes me to finish my fag.
Drunk Girl went on to tell me that three days earlier, she and her girlfriend "almost broke up".  She told me that her therapist is trying to convince her to break up with her girlfriend.  And she was bemoaning the fact that she wasn't single right at that very moment because she finds me "so attractive" and really wanted to go out with me.  Clearly, she was looking for me to convince her to break it off with her girlfriend while reassuring her that I would, in fact, go out with her.  Isn't that just like girls too? - They're never strong enough to end things without having a back-up girlfriend already lined up. (P.S. Girls like that give women a bad name.)
I was having none of that.  I told Drunk Girl that her relationship is for her to navigate on her own.  We are nothing to each other but strangers and for god's sake, don't make any life-altering decisions just because you want to take me on a date.  I wanted to tell her that it's not my policy to "shit where I eat", but I thought best to leave that alone; I had already made my point.  But can you imagine??  As if I'm going to be the jerk who steals the head bartender's live-in girlfriend of three years?  I'd never get service in my favorite bar again!  
My advice to all you other hopeless daters (and trust me on this, it is sage advice): (1) Don't ever settle for being someone's back-up girlfriend; and (2) never, ever, ever shit where you eat drink.

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