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Thursday, April 25, 2013

When Friends Become More

Hypothetical situation - -
Let’s say for a moment that you’re me, and a friend comes to you and says that she likes you and has been wanting to ask you out but hasn't because she (a) was afraid that you would say no, (b) was afraid that it would make the friendship awkward because she thinks you’d say no, and (c) wanted to respect the space that you’re in given your recent heartbreak.  Further, let's say that you've always thought this friend was attractive but (a) that you did recently get your heart stomped on and "all the king's men" are still working on putting your "Humpty Dumpty Heart" back together again, (b) this particular friend knows all about your last relationship and subsequent heartbreak because she was not only witness to, but support system, through those moments, and (c) this friend is moving out of state to attend a scholastic program in less than 6 months.
So what would you do?  I mean, besides talk it out in therapy?
Here's what Miss-Adventures did:
I talked it out in therapy.  I discussed my fears, of which there are many.  I addressed the negatives and accentuated the positives.  I pondered upon the possibilities, the unknowns and the what-if's.  And then I stuck my toes in the water ever so slightly, and ever so out-of-character.  I mean, really, let's be honest: I am a big ol' bull in a china shop.  Historically, I have always rushed without hesitation, usually knocking over small children and breaking valuables in the process.  But this time… no way.  Like a timid house cat, I'm peaking out from behind the sofa with wide eyes, open ears and a very careful step.
Here's the thing: I'm not just terrified of being hurt again (though that's a very valid concern), I'm terrified of hurting someone that I care deeply about.  Those of you who know me know that my friends are, without question, my everything, and my lady-friends will always take a back seat.  After everything I've been through, the only thing I am completely certain of is that when the Titanic is going down (and it always does), the only floatation device out there worth hanging onto are your friends.  So when I'm faced with a friend who wants to explore a deeper relationship, my chief concern is protecting her heart, like I would any other friend.  But when my concern is protecting her heart from mine… well that gets pretty tricky.
So I'm going in slowly.  Cautiously.  Carefully.  And terrified-edly.  But I'm going in.  I'm going in without expectation, without urgency and without any plan for the future beyond our next date.  And ya know what?  I'm enjoying it.  Like, really, enjoying it.  Enjoying the little touches, the innocent hand-holding, the rush of the goodnight kiss, the occasional sweet text messages that let me know that on I'm on her mind and the intermittent butterflies that tickle my insides. 
Could it be that, for the first time, I'm actually living in the moment rather than trying to ponder the possibilities of potential?

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