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Monday, May 13, 2013

She writes the tune that makes my heart sing

How the hell did that happen? 
For so long, I was feeling broken, damaged, bruised.  I worked hard to make my way out.  I tried everything to repair the fragments of my broken heart and glue back together my shattered life until one day, I caught myself in a moment and realized that I was feeling pretty well healed, strong, and even peaceful.  The pieces were finally coming together and my life began to feel like my own again. 
Then it happened: timing being the all-important factor that it is, and Mighty Musician being the best surprise that I never saw coming, I began to feel a real change within.  It started as a shift between us, subtle at first, followed by a sudden change in direction in our already-in-progress friendship, and then a leap of faith involving a couple of open hearts and I found myself (and continue to marvel) in utter bewilderment: I'm happy.  Beyond that, actually; I'm excited.
Nobody is more surprised than me.  I'm looking at my friend with a new pair of eyes.  And she's seeing me in a way that few get to do or have ever done.  Honestly, it's fucking terrifying.  I feel so very exposed with Mighty Musician - she already knows me and there's no bullshitting her.  Better than that - there's no bullshitting myself.  And yet, feeling that vulnerable is a bit like skydiving: it's thrilling, exhilarating and frightening all at the same time.  I feel like I'm flying and falling simultaneously. 
For a long time, all I wanted was to press fast-forward on my life so that I wouldn't have to feel the feelings that overwhelmed me.  I knew that the healing would come eventually but (and I know this is NO surprise to you all) I'm impatient like a motherfucker, so I would desperately pray for a fast-forward button.  'Please, just get me through this.  Please let me survive another day.  Please let tomorrow hurt less.  Please let this mourning period end quickly.'  And now I find myself in a completely different head and heart space: I want to press the slow-mo button just so that I can soak up every second of this time.  I want to take it all in, remember every moment and detail with perfect and irreversible clarity.  I want to enjoy this for everything it is.
There is something so very special about working through your bullshit, putting your life back together and then finding the most lovely surprise waiting for you when you do.  She's holding a single red rose and she's written you a song that makes your heart sing.  That, my friends, is what bliss looks like.

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