Okay, I, The Nugget, have been totally slacking off on posting, and I'm really sorry. Like, really, really sorry. But, just in time for Valentine's Day, I have the perfect gift (and like all Valentine's Day gifts, I may be slightly intoxicated while presenting it to you, and you will dutifully hide your disappointment when it wasn't exactly what you wanted. What am I, a mind reader? God, you're such a girl).
So, I put up an ad on that trash heap of internet existence called Craigslist, since I'm still on an OKCupid break. Don't blame me, I was bored, and since everyone on there is trolling or trying to send you pictures of their unmentionables, I figured I'd feel popular for a minute once I started getting a bunch of emails, and then spend the rest of the day getting to make fun of people. Win-win, right?
Imagine my surprise when Friday night, I get an email from a totally attractive, totally normal seeming, FULL CLOTHED man that was completely personable and indicated he read my (incredibly well-written and totally charming) ad. Hold on. Has the world ended? The sky falling down? Please wait while I check. Nope, still here. Good. Okay, so we trade a few emails, and late in the evening, he gives me his number. I waited until the next morning (because I'm a chick, and yes, we absolutely do that in case you were wondering). Silence. On Monday, however, he apologized for the delay, and asked if I wanted to get a drink. Sure. He asked if I was free that night. I'm usually not big on same day plans, but I truly didn't have any plans that night, and I was suffering from cabin fever from all the studying I'd been doing that weekend, so I went for it. Hesitantly.
I show up, and he's well dressed, well spoken, and looks just like his pictures. He pays for our drinks, makes friends with the bartender, and talks to me about progressive politics. He even asked if I'd like to go out again sometime later in the week before we went our separate ways. I was impressed.
Now, I'm a Jew, and we worry, so I sent him a text asking if he got home okay. 20 minutes later, I receive a text from another number stating, "Hi, sorry, this is my personal phone, my other phone that I primarily use for work is charging right now, so now you have both my numbers!" And we chat a little. Things get a little weird when he starts to ask for pictures. And then make little hints. I finally catch on and realize he's asking for nudes. I shut that down REAL quick. We haven't even held hands yet, dude! He definitely crossed a line, and I had no intention of ever speaking to him again, even though he quickly apologized.
The next day, he texts me as I'm getting off work. "Hi." That's it. When I get home from work, I text him back the same, curious about what he has to say for himself. Half an hour later, I'm making dinner and my phone rings. Let me tell you, I hate talking on the phone, especially when I have something important to do, so I let it go to voicemail. I had a feeling I knew who it was, anyway.
As I sit down to eat, I check my phone. Yep, it was him. No voicemail left. Well, if he had something to say, I guess he would have said it, right? I go on with my evening, and a little while later, he texts me this long text explaining that he was calling to apologize for his EX texting me last night, and that it was invasive and inappropriate and I had every right to be upset. Wait. Back the eff up. His EX was texting me from her phone, pretending to be him, trying to get me to send her nude pictures? This is a whole new brand of crazy.
I text back, "How did your ex get my number?" He says, "From my cell phone bill." Okay, listen. I've never worked for a cell phone company, but it doesn't take a rocket scientists to figure out how cell phones work. They charge you for the minutes/texts/data used, and in order to do that, they charge you after you've used it. So, when you get your cell phone bill, it's for the month preceding. SO, your cell phone bill, even if you got it that same day, would not have the number of someone that texted you that very day. I CALL SHENANIGANS! Obviously, she got my number from his phone. And obviously, if she's looking at his phone at 10:30pm on a Monday night, and knew he was not home right after work, she probably lives there. Either way, this is some drama I do NOT want to deal with, and I let him know in no uncertain terms. He, of course, responded saying it's "complicated" and he'd like to explain but he can't do so in text. Am I going to meet this guy to hear his sob story? Absolutely not. But, I am definitely thinking harder on honoring my friend Darcie's suggestion to make 2014 the Year of the Ladies. At least we're up front about our crazy.